Online Dating 101…

Maybe it’s just me being in a bad mood today, or maybe I feel like I’m pretty undateable, despite friends telling me they don’t understand why I’m single, but seriously, online dating? It sucks. In the UK and in the US. There are differences, but it all sucks, and I give up.. here are some reasons why. And if you’re a guy, take note of some of these reasons…

  1. A profile without a photo. Well, what’s the point in that? Are you so drop dead gorgeous you don’t need one and you’re going to charm me with your wit, or do you actually look like Shrek? Guess I’ll never know. Next!
  2. Photos of you with your friends, ok one photo of you with your friends is fine, it shows you have friends, but when I see only photos of you with your friends, how do I know which one is you? Are you the handsome one with the piercing eyes, usually no. You’re the one that I’d chose last. Oh well, onto the next.
  3. All your photos are selfies taken by yourself. Do you have no friends at all? Do you have no social interaction?
  4. Not looking for a relationship. This one isn’t so bad, I’m not looking for one either, but I’m also not looking to drive halfway around London for sex. And by sex I mean, no drinks, no dinner, just turn up at your house, have sex with you and leave. I’m worth damn more than that. You can’t even stretch to one drink? Oh, but you don’t see more than one woman at a time? That’s ok then….
  5. Some weird user name like Iluvtofuck or Babyblueeyes. Pleeeease!!! I ain’t ever gonna call you that, so use your real name.
  6. Age ranges. Realise that if I’m in my 40’s but look like I’m 10 years younger and you can see from my profile that I love going out, socializing, being carefree, I will NOT be willing to date a man who looks old enough to be my grandpa and who wants cosy nights in with pipe and slippers. Go get a grandma, and let me find a young nubile tattooed gent..
  7. Chat up lines… “Id very much like to parlay with you”, or “Do you have room in your life for a jive partner”. WTF. I don’t jive, and parley??? Don’t try and sound posh. I have an English degree, I don’t need fancy words.
  8. Dick pics. Definitely a no-no as the first thing I see of you on a dating site. Don’t care how big, small, weird looking your dick is. I’d rather find out for myself. If you then send me a dick pic (after a decent photo of yourself not in the nude), usually I’ll say nah. There’s only one time that I’ve been sent a dick pic and not immediately blocked the guy. And looking back, I should have known….

If then, somehow it gets to the dating stage.. it gets even more interesting, hilarious or just downright boring man.

  1. As above, don’t expect on a first date for me to come to your apartment knowing only your first name and expect me to fuck you all night, without so much as even a beer. Aint. Gonna. Happen. You aint that good, dude.
  2. If you’re dating other girls as well (as often happens in the US), have the balls to say so. It may turn me off, but it might not. At least give me the option. Girls don’t like competing against other girls.. but sometimes we make exceptions. In my book though, hiding the fact you’re dating other females, AND blatantly lying about it, is a complete no-no. Be honest. Cos boy, I’ve got the skills to be a PI, and if I find out you’re seeing other females when you say you aren’t, you’re fucked. Probably not straight away, I’ll bide my time, but you”ll get your karma.
  3. Let me pay sometimes, I probably earn twice as much as you, and although its nice for the guy to pay at the beginning (American dudes do this), let me wash my guilt away by paying some something, even if its only the drinks.
  4. Don’t take advantage of my good nature. It boils my piss. If I treat you and its a small thing, thats fine. If its expensive tickets to a sports game and your friend asks how much they cost, don’t say “free”. You’re taking the piss. Get outta here.
  5. Compliments. Compliments are good, but don’t overdo it. I barely know you at the beginning and by date two, you’re already calling me beautiful, sexy, saying I drive you wild in bed, talking about future ideas. Nope. A couple of dates is a couple of dates, you don’t know me yet!! Slow down! What happens is, you eventually stop the compliments, leaving the woman feeling that they’re no longer beautiful in your eyes, or you’re friendzoning her. Then she’ll walk. Away. From. You.
  6. Put your phone away! You arranged to spend time with me, so do that! Don’t spend half your time at the bar, texting. It sucks, and don’t be texting other girls and lying about where you are (yes, thats happened on numerous occasions with one guy). I’m not stupid. Or you’re “just texting my mum” – yeah I’m sure your mum doesn’t look like she’s in her thirties with flowing locks of blond/brown/whatever color hair. Again, I’m not stupid. Neither am I unaware of when you put your phone face down on the bar counter.What ya hiding??
  7. Don’t sit in a restaurant and ogle the tall blonde girl that’s just walked in. Your eyes roam up and down her body. Dude, she wouldn’t look at you in a million years. Focus on the girl in front of you, who would. Don’t get ideas far above your station. You’re showing disrespect to your date. This happened to me once, or maybe a couple of times. I felt like getting up to go to the bathroom and saying to the guy, you can go try and get her number while I’m gone.. and slip out the back door. I wish I had the nerve. Maybe next time…
  8. Don’t lie. Full stop. Oh I can’t come out tonight, its my friend’s birthday and I forgot. How many friend’s birthdays do you have that you forget? Or oh I can’t do tonight, I’m going out. No explanation. Nothing Its because you can’t think of a decent excuse to cover the fact you are going out with someone else.

Im sure there are a million more “not to do’s” or experiences you’ve had as a female in the online dating world, I would love to hear them! But for now, I’m done. All online dating has made me feel is that I’m not good enough for a date and to be respected for all that I am. Im not looking for serious shit (that will be made evident in another post), it would just be nice to have some male company and go out and enjoy it. Not too hard to ask for is it? Instead, I feel like I might have half a chance with a grandpa guy who wants someone to cuddle up to their pipe and slippers…..

Let me know your online dating 101s and WTF experiences..

Love, as always,

Miss X

2 thoughts on “Online Dating 101…

Add yours

  1. Oh where do I start?! I have so many posts about the woeful nature of online dating. However, I loved this: “Age ranges. Realise that if I’m in my 40’s but look like I’m 10 years younger and you can see from my profile that I love going out, socializing, being carefree, I will NOT be willing to date a man who looks old enough to be my grandpa and who wants cosy nights in with pipe and slippers. Go get a grandma, and let me find a young nubile tattooed gent.” Oh yes! What a joke that is – when I am back on a dating app I always get a laugh from these ancient looking old codgers who either try to flirt, or play the lonely card. Why would I reply? I’m looking forward to seeing your blog grow 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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